On the eve of Fifty Shades of Grey’s Bangkok opening, we look at the many different ways to get your rocks off this Valentine’s Day.

See also: Interview with a Bangkok BDSM mistress of 16 years

Love guru DJ P'Aoy from Club Friday wants your Valentine's Day drama

1. Playing Rough
Barbar has a long reputation as Bangkok’s most popular fetish club. Spread over its three floors are full-body suspension devices, cages, spanking benches and even a hospital-style examination room. It’s a members’ club, but one-time entry is B900 (wear a black T-shirt if you don’t want to wear one of the house’s!), while private 90-minute sessions cost B3,500. Word of caution: some regulars like to show off their junk.
Pat Pong Soi 2, Silom Rd., 02-632-7124. BTS Sala Daeng. www.barbarfetishclub.com
2. Getting a Maid
If cute waitresses in frilly maid costumes serving omu rice with curry sauce (B250) gets you going, visit Maidreamin’ Cafe at Gateway Ekamai. Just sitting down will cost you B50 per hour, on top of the required order of food and drink.
M/F, Gateway Ekamai, Sukhumvit Rd., 02-108-9466. BTS Ekkamai. maidreamin.co.th
3. Thanking God it’s Friday
G-Spot Entertainment’s monthly TGIF Party keeps things sexy but classy in the 24th-floor Penthouse Suite of DoubleTree by Hilton. The costume parties serve up good drinks deals and entertainment by the fantastic Pangina Heals. The next one takes place on Feb 27, in celebration of Chinese New Year. Glam up, guys and girls.
18/1 Soi Sukhumvit 26., 02-649-6666
4. Drinking for Kicks
It’s OK to drink ya-dong—the potent, herb-infused homebrew whiskey favored by motorcycle taxi drivers—now that Maft Sai and the Paradise Bangkok boys do it. So head down to Studio Lam and put its claims of heightened virility to the test.
Sukhumvit Soi 51, 02-261-6661. BTS Thong Lo
5. Staying Equipped
It’s been a bad couple of years for Bangkok’s street-side dildo sellers. Though sex toys have been banished from most of the city’s sidewalks, we’re happy to report that Silom Road is holding out as your one-stop resource for 11-inch pink plastic phalluses and crotchless panties.
6. Getting in the Swing
Rumors still circulate over whether those Asian models wearing silk qi-pao on Maggie Choo’s swings ever go home with the customers. We can neither confirm nor deny, but we do enjoy looking.
Underground/F, Hotel Novotel Bangkok Fenix Silom, 320 Silom Rd., 091-772-2144. BTS Surasak
7. Swinging Both Ways
Alternatively, head there on a Sunday to see topless hunks draped in red satin get their turn on the swings during the bar’s infamous Importance of Being Ernest gay nights. If you’re lucky, you’ll even get to see live entertainment by Pangina Heals.
8. Heating Up
If you’re in the right crowd, you know that things get heated up real quick at saunas. The classiest being in Sathorn (Babylon) and Ari (Chakran).
9. Getting Wet
You’ll find minimal beachwear and lots of skin at Bangkok’s weekend pool parties, whether it’s #SoundsetSundays, So Pool Water Club or Ocean’s Weekend Escape (7 Sukhumvit Soi 33, 02-261-2800. BTS Phrom Phong). In fact, this Valentine’s Day sees Ocean Bangkok turn into a wild Spanish party with lots of salsa and sangria, from 6pm onwards.
10. Working It
It’s all about healthy living and staying fit. Girls can take pole-dancing classes at Rumpuree World Dance Studio. Try out a one hour single lesson at B500.
5/F, Amarin Plaza, Phloen Chit Rd. 081-430-6684. BTS Chit Lom. www.rumpuree.com
11. Working Out
Some gyms were made for more than your average exercises. If your partner has membership to Ebi Sauna and Fitness Club, you might want to start asking some difficult questions.
12. Paying to Play
So much for rumors there’d been a crackdown on Sukhumvit’s massage parlors. From what we’re seeing, the good, old -fashioned Bangkok sex industry is still in full swing, whatever you’re looking for. Japanese salarymen have Soi 24/1; roly-poly sex tourists have Soi Nana; and just about everyone has Soi Cowboy.
13. Loving without Borders
Not sure what you’re into? Make your pick at Rajah Hotel, where there’s a variety of choices, from Russians to Japanese. Just look for the promoter in the lobby, and you’re all set. Oh, don’t forget to bring your own condom, too.
18 Sukhumvit Soi 2-4, 02-255-0040. BTS Nana
14. Using Protection
Japan’s go-to condom brand, Okamoto, claims to make the thinnest, softest condoms in the world. Ensogo does special deals on them every now and again, like here: ow.ly/IsSvk.
15. Dressing Down
Girls can now get their sexy undies at Victoria’s Secret (2/F), which recently opened a store at CentralWorld. Give their sensual fragrance a try, too. But if you’re looking for a sexy bra, head over to La Senza (1/F).
CentralWorld, 999/1 Rama 1 Rd., 02-635-1111. BTS Chit Lom
16. Entering the Ring
Not only is Banana State Hotel one of the maddest short-time motels in Bangkok; it’s also one of the cleanest. Of all the rooms, our favorite’s the Boxing Room (B700 for three hours), where you get to sleep in the middle of a boxing ring complete with scaffolding spotlights and punching bags.
55/1 Moo 6, Kanjanaphisek Rd., Nonthaburi, 02-459-2121/-4. www.bananastate.com
17. Bouncing on the Bed
Though we like their water-beds, too, as in the Marilyn Monroe room, which comes with karaoke (B1,900 for 3 hours, 6 people) or in the Playboy Mansion (B3,000 for 3 hours, 20 people).
18. Eyeing Some Man-Candy
Girls, the topless, sweaty men you dance with at DJ Station have absolutely no interest in you. But the flirty, straight bouncers most definitely do. B300 entry includes two free drinks.
Silom Soi 2, 02-266-4029. BTS Sala Daeng
19. Foraging for Foreigners
The hot European gap-year travelers at hook-up central Khao San Road have no problem with you disappearing the next morning, plus none of the regular Thonglorite faces are around to judge. Our favorite bar for picking up a backpacker is Mulligan’s.
Khao San Rd., 02-629-4477
20. Getting a Massage
It’s a sorry state of affairs for women who want to pay for sex. Many even resort to gay massage parlors. One place with a proven track record for servicing both genders is Adam Massage and Spa (Silom Soi 4), which opens from 10am-midnight. Another popular spot for girls to get theirs is the cleaner, classier Jupiter (31/1-33 Thaniya Soi 2, Surawong Rd. 089- 145-6278). The guys will treat you like a princess over three hours for just B1,500, but be sure to speak with the manager before making your selection—he knows everything (length, size, girth).
21. Heading to Heaven
For the boys, more intense action takes place at G.O.D., though note that it strictly shuts at 2am these days.
Room 60/18-21, Silom Soi 2/1, 02-632-8033. Open daily 10pm-2am. BTS Sala Daeng
22. Hunting for Bargains
What claimed to be Bangkok’s only erotic shop, The Hidden Closet at Mansion 7, closed down at the end of last year. But they do have some stock left. To get big discounts on their range of kinky-playtime accessories—handcuffs, whips, condoms and a line of dildos that puts Silom’s street stalls to shame—then email thehiddenclosetbkk@gmail.com to make an appointment.
23. Lifting it Up
You can get all sorts of implants at Yanhee International Hospital. They’ve also got a live chat system available for 24-hour consultation at www.yanhee.net.
454 Charansanitwong Rd., 02-879-0300
24. Keeping it Up
Want to improve your performance without chancing the dodgy “Viagra” for sale around Nana? Optim 40 is a Thai herbal health supplement that promises long-term effects from a blend of fungus, maca root, ginseng, oyster extract and zinc. It launched on Feb 13, just in time for Valentine’s Day.
More information at www.optim-40.com or 092-779-9887
25. Muscling In
The self-proclaimed “center of muscular men in Thailand,” Tawan Bar is as much of a hit with female Asian tourists as it is with the gay guys it was designed for. The vibe is heavy on testosterone, not so much on clothes.
2/1-2 Soi Tarntawan, Surawong Rd., 02-634-5833. www.tawanbarbangkok.com/eng
26. Making a Night of It
The go-go-bar-meets-nightclub Black Pagoda has established itself as the acceptable face of Pat Pong nightlife. It’s even convincing bigname DJs to play there, with Poland’s Eltron John lined up for the next event on Feb 13.
Pat Pong Soi 2. blackpagoda-bangkok.com
27. Acting Like a Pimp
There’s a whole new breed of gentlemen’s club that puts the tired massage parlors of Ratchada to shame. At establishments like The Pimp (Pracha Uthit Rd., 087-360-3666), The Sky (931 Srinakarin Rd., 02-322-3256-7) and The Mansion (RCA, 082-308-3246), you and your buddies can act like you’re just hanging out in a regular cool club—but one where all the women really, really like you.
28. Getting Trashed
We cannot stress enough how much we love dancing to “Crazy in Love” at Trasher parties. They’re quite easily the wildest in town, with fabulous guys and gals in their best outfits strutting their stuff. Dress up for their next Valentine’s party, Trasher: I’m a Model, DUH?, which takes place this Saturday (Feb 14) at The Mansion
29. Being Hosted
For a Japanese-style host club experience, head to the Sha Sha Club Ratchada, where women from all walks of life can be pampered like princesses by hunky guys, who’ll drink, dance and dine with you at various rates.
Ratchadaphisek Rd., 081-6407827
30. Bushwacking
It’s prime beach season. Make sure your nether regions are bikini-ready at Reveal Wax Salon, which does a Brazilian at B2,070 for women (or B1,830 for men).
261/5 Thonglor Soi 13, 02-712-8209. www.revealwaxsalon.com. Open Tue-Sun 10:30am-8:30pm. BTS Thong Lo
31. Faking It
We’re super excited that Or Tor Kor’s defunct gay institution, Fake Club, has reopened on Ratchada. And we can now enjoy the signature mirror-mosaic lounge, tacky disco balls and male-model stage shows with free entry.
Between Ratchadaphisek Sois 14-16, 089-479-9262.
32. Kicking the Habit
Sure, half the guys on Grindr and Gayromeo are doing ice (yes, that’s what the snowflake next to their username means), but have you seen what half the guys on Grindr and Gayromeo look like?
33. Going Regional
Grindr’s out for Bangkok’s Chinese community. They’ve now switched to Blued (www.blued.cn), a hook-up app especially for Chinese speakers. Available for both iOS and Android.
34. Shopping for Soap
Chatuchak Weekend Market is known as the biggest and perhaps best daytime market in the country, selling everything from clothes to pets. And by everything, we also mean colorful dildo-shaped soaps. If you’re curious about how bubbly this thing is, so are we. Because we haven’t given it a try.
Bubble & Bloom, Zone A, Chatuchak Weekend Market. BTS Mo Chit
35. Leaking Your Own Sex-Tape?
There’s no shortcut to success in Bangkok like a good sex tape. Sunadcha “Nes” Tadrabiab’s home effort landed her a leading role in the Hong Kong movie Sara. As a prostitute.
36. Going Retro
Do you know about Bangkok’s oldest brothel, Cleopatra? Nor did we until its Chinatown neighbors began attracting the Sukhumvit hipsters
37. Dolling Up
The “pretties” at beer gardens and motor shows and trade fairs and pop-up booths and sales displays are like a national institution. No event is complete without them.
38. Replenishing your Stamina
After an exhausting night on Silom Soi 2, regain your strength with the reliable guay jub on the street right in front of the soi—though we haven’t seen that eye-candy waiter for some time now.
39. Keeping it to Yourself
Public displays of affection are most definitely still frowned upon on the streets of Bangkok. Sadly, we’ve even heard tales of lesbian-PDA-inspired BTS rage from other passengers.
40. Learning English
Yup, movies about language can be sexy—when they feature Japanese pornstars. Sora Aoi had a leading part in last year’s I Fine… Thank You…Love You, which went on to be the highest grossing movie of 2014.
41. Seeing Daylight
There’s no better place from which to witness Pat Pong by day than at Derby King—the shophouse restaurant beloved by Silom office workers. But you better not sit in the far right booth. That’s the papa-san’s seat, where each day he records the sign-in times of his girls.
70/74 Patpong Soi 1, 02-234-8354. BTS Sala Daeng
42. Eating Somtam
It’s an open secret among Chula Uni students that the female somtam hawkers right by Hua Lamphong train station sell way more than spicy salad—and at a pretty special rate, too.
43. Getting a Speedo
Guys don’t have to rely on dodgy Silom stalls for their best undies. The Half Naked Shop at CentralWorld (4/F Zen) gives you a pretty wide range of the sexy stuff. It’s actually got two other branches in Pattaya and Phuket as well. Check out their products at www.halfnakedshop.com.
44. Heading Out of Town
Big Mountain is getting a bit bland, and it’s full of high school students on away from home for the first time. But we don’t just go to see the mainstream acts. Located on the same site, Na Nek’s Akojorn Pub is the epitomy of all things dodgy.
45. Getting a Room
Turn up the Marvin Gaye and get it on at the one non-creepy hotel in town that has round beds. Le Meridien’s Circular Room currently goes for B7,095 a night.
40/5 Surawong Rd., 02-232-8888.
46. Chilling with the Girls
Although the hot tom-dee hangout spots in RCA have all closed down, De’ Lick Pub (364/1 The Town Road, Lad Phrao Soi 94, 087-028-1289) is still around. A bit far out, but you gotta make the effort to get quality bonding time with the girls. Once a month, you can also join what’s said to be the biggest lesbian party in Asia, Lesla Party. Just check out their next event venue at
47. Checking out the Last-Chance Saloons 
Some head for the loud music, drinks promos and podium dancers of Insanity (234 Sukhumvit Soi 12. 02-653-2923. BTS Asok). It’s also bringing Korean DJ Shubo to spin at the club this Valentine’s Day. Others prefer the pay-your-way pleasures of Spicy (Rong Muang Soi 1. BTS Siam) while those with a shred of dignity keep the party going at Safe House (Thonglor Soi 10, 080-814-6665).
48. Playing it Safe
Following a night at Spicy, you can get free (and speedy) HIV testing at both Anonymous Clinic and The Silom Clinic.
Thai Red Cross Society, Ratchadamri Rd., 02-256-4107/9 ext.109, 209. www.trcarc.org
3/F, Bangkok Christian Hospital, Silom Rd., 02-634-2917. Open Tue-Sat 4-10pm. www.silomclinic.in.th
49. Finding a Friend
Some people are just lonely. They’re not looking for sex. Scout’s honor. If this sounds like you, then try The Truemate by Farida, a friend rental service for people after companionship and nothing more.
www.thetruemate.com, 02-881-8072
50. Playing it Straight
If you’re boring and haven’t found any Valentine’s inspiration here, you can always go for a romantic dinner instead (see our roundup at ow.ly/IsZJ0).