We couldn’t get a copy of one of the 100,000 leaflets to be distributed this week to BTS users in time for this issue. All we know is that they’re titled: “Why the Bangkok governor decided not to touch the Skytrain concession” (The Nation, Jul 1, 2012). But based on sources very close to the BTS (a guy we know who says his sister is married to a conductor), we were able to get our hands on a provisional draft we believe to be 50% believable.

Dear BTS-riding peasants,

We, his munificence, Governor of Mahanakorn, Ruler of Thonburi, and Generalissimo of both Lower and Upper Sukhumvit, hereby grant you permission to read our words.
Although we remain slightly appalled by the fact that you cannot afford an automobile, or even a horse-drawn cart, we would not have you live as animals, riding buses as pig and chicken do. Instead, we have given you the gift of the electric train. You’re welcome.

But know this: the electric train is very expensive. You probably think it is some great witchcraft we can perform thanks to our super gubernatorial power. That is in part correct. But it is also a very complex machine that costs a great deal of money to operate. If we had a gold coin for every time you have blessed our name riding the unsurpassed comfort of the Magical Skytrain on a Friday at 6:30pm, we would still be 30 billion baht short of our retirement plans. Yes, it’s that onerous. This is why we ask for your full support at this critical time.

Indeed, we have asked for a very large check from the government to renew the BTS contract, even though the current contract is not anywhere near expiry. We promise that if you support this request, the BTS will be greatly improved. We will add more TV screens for your amusement and re-launch the very popular BTS polo shirt and seat pillow which we hear are completely sold out. Only then will we raise prices—this we solemnly promise.

With our utmostly sincerest of holy blessings,
His Most Exalted Governor, MRSP the Jovial and Avuncular.