Let’s face it: the pavements and houses of ill repute in our fair city are only the tip of the, er, iceberg. There’s way more to sex in Bangkok than meets the not-so-innocent pedestrian, and the best stuff cannot be found without a bit of poking around, if you will. Fear not. Thanks to our round-up, your quest need only last one or two pages—and not one or two minutes.

Accessories

Nothing like a latex catsuit (B4,994) or a mask (B2,530) to spice things up in the bedroom. These and more products are available at www.planet-latex.com. The showroom is in Chiang Mai, but you can also reach them at 081-892-7959.

Black Pagoda

While the edgy French turntablists that launched this unusual bar have left, the moody décor—black reflective surfaces and purple-lit acrylic—hasn’t. Bridging two buildings in Patpong Soi 2, Parkbridge has swapped electro DJs for an exotic show with plenty of fishnets and flesh. www.blackpagoda-bangkok.com

Condomthai.com

First of all, we hope you’re using condoms, probably stuff you pick up at 7-Eleven, Boots or Watson’s—which is fine. For some variety, though, try www.condomthai.com. From super thin (0.046mm) Japanese condoms (B45 each) to Play O “Orgasmic Gel for Women” (B450), this website definitely has stuff you won’t find anywhere else.

Dildos

Since the red shirt protests, it seems the tessakit have taken a much more relaxed stance on the sale of sex toys. Hey, we’re all trying to make a living here, right? That means you don’t have to make the trek down to Chinatown for a piece of penis-shaped rubber. They’re now freely available right on Silom Rd., across from Dusit Thani Hotel in the early evening, with prices ranging from B1,700-B3,600.

Enlargement

Of course, size doesn’t matter. You look great. Really. Now if you really must get that penis augmentation (B65,000) or boob job (B60,000), we recommend you do it a reputable clinic like Yanhee (54 Charansanitwong Rd., 02-879-0300. www.yanhee.co.th).

Free HIV testing

The best encouragement to continue playing safe is to know your status. Get tested today at this free HIV testing clinic: Anonymous Clinic (Thai Red Cross Society, Ratchadamri Rd., 02-256-4107/9 ext. 109, 209. www.trcarc.org) or The Silom Clinic (3/F, Bangkok Christian Hospital, Silom Rd., 02-634-2917. Open Tue-Sat 4-10pm. www.silomclinic.in.th).

G-Star

Our last roundup of dodgy gay clubs saw the #1 spot go to Rachada Soi 8’s G-Star (end of Ratchada Soi 8, Ratchadapisek Rd., 02-643-8792. www.g-starpub.com). Tucked away behind a parking lot, this bar has toilets that are nothing short of legendary: three rooms, curtains, dim to pitch-black lighting. Let’s just say the action is not necessarily taking place on the dance floor.

Hotels

For curtain motels, skip to the letter R. For classy hotels to take your gig on a weekend escape without leaving town, make sure you enjoy the incredible deals now on offer. See our story on page 6.

Inflatable dolls

How do we even begin to describe the Love Body (B4,190), a transparent blow-up doll with a removable vagina (from didotoy.com). Or perhaps you’d rather get the Chasey, a chopped off bottom with a mysterious remote control (B4,790, at www.a-dido.com). Unfortunately, Lady Gag Gag (“She loves it when you poke-her face”) is sold out (www.pipedreams.com). 

Japan meets France

Who would have guessed that there’s a Japanese cosplay store specializing in French maid uniforms in CentralWorld? And yet, Akiba Kiss (7/F, Centerpoint, CentralWorld, 02-613-1224. www.akibakissa.com), despite its obvious kinkiness (at least to us), continues to outfit young women with white gloves, bunny ears and short frilly dresses—right in the heart of teendom. Outfits start from B500. 

Kinky Kaos parties

No survey of Bangkok’s kinkiest secrets would be complete without the regular fetish fiesta at The Overstay (80-82 Charansanitwong Rd., 02-883-4836). With a strict dress code, revelers are invited to either dress up (finally, you can wear those outfits from Akiba Kiss, see above) or down (get a jockstrap from any SuperSports countrywide, B250). Kinky Kaos parties are usually held monthly and the next soiree is set for Jul 31. For more details, visit www.kaosbangkok.com.

Lingerie

Although we’re lacking Victoria’s Secret, the affordable X-Sizes Outlet (25/1 Sukhumvit Soi 24, 02- 261-1334. Open Mon-Sat 10am-8pm) is here to save the day. This two-storey shop boasts a wide range of sexy undergarments from G-strings to corsets, plus the current blowout sale (until Jul 31) means that you can get your kink on for as little as B49.

Memberships

Say what you will, dear feminists, but Bangkok’s men still go to gentlemen’s clubs where they overpay for their whiskey just so they can have it served to them by young, hot, scantily-dressed women. In all fairness, girls need only go to DJ Station (Silom Soi 2) to see hot, ripped, scantily-dressed men—and drinks there are only B100 a pop. But back to gentlemen’s clubs. There are plenty to choose from but it seems that The Resort (202/1 Ratchadaphisek Soi 13, 02-642-5311/2. www.theresortclub.com), with its big central stage and plentiful eye candy and Exotica (119/1-2 Thonglor Soi 5-7, 02-712-6940/-3. Open daily 8pm-2am), which boasts a palatial interior and its own swimming pool, are particular favorites with the younger crowd.

No Hands Restaurant

Popular with wealthy Asian tourists, this seedy joint from the Galaxy Group (19 Rama 4 Rd., 02-235-5000/-9. CURRENTLY CLOSED FOR RENOVATION) sees a woman of your choice feed you in a private room where, allegedly, some groping is tolerated (your hands are free, after all). We don’t really get the point, but hey, whatever turns you on.

Oysters

There’s no scientific evidence that oysters improve your sex life, but they probably go a long way to impress your date. For some of the best in town, go to The Seafood Bar (41 Somerset Lake Place, Sukhumvit Soi 16, 02-663-8863. www.theseafoodbar.info).

Pole dancing

For female professionals (the office kind), pole dancing is a great way to de-stress, get fit and perhaps take your bedroom skills up a notch. Give this noble art a whirl at Rumpuree Dance Studio (5/F, Amarin Plaza, Ploenchit Rd., 08-1430-6684. BTS Chit Lom. www.rumpuree.com). A one-hour class costs B400, but if you are considering a career change, we recommend the 8-hour pole class package, priced at B3,000.

Rongram Man Ruud

Short time motels tend to take up a lot of space, and they’re always the first to go when a property developer is looking for a choice piece of land to build a swanky new condo on. Support our beautiful rong ram man ruud tradition by visiting your local curtain motel. Our favorite? Banana State (55/1 Moo 6, Kanjanphisek Rd., Nonthaburi, 02-459-2121/-4.www.bananstate.com) for its cleanliness and sheer whackiness. Sex in the Star Wars room anyone? Make sure you ask for the Madonna or Marilyn rooms if you want a bouncy water bed. 

Swingers

We’re sad to report the Thai Swing Party seems to have gone underground. That just leaves wife and husband swappers with www.thai-swingers.com, which is more of a webboard than a formal organization. Once registered, you’ll have the freedom to choose a club according to what floats your boat, from Thai couples and Thai gay-bi to Thai punk and Thai kinky. Can’t be bothered with registration? Try a more straightforward, user-friendly www.thailandswingersparty.com.

Tenga

Tenga makes cans filled with mushy latex and goo that can simulate just about any human orifice—only wetter, tighter and with more tickly things inside. As if that wasn’t exciting enough, they regularly take things up a notch with their latest releases. Say hello to your new best friend: Tenga’s first re-usable device, the Flip Hole (B4,500). Only from www.tenga.co.th, though you can pick up other models at E72 Ekamai Hotel (72 Ekamai, between Ekamai Sois 4 and 6, 02-714-7326. www.72ekamai.com)

University

Ramkamhaeng is a city unto itself, a city of young, horny students. That might explain the crazy concentration of gay saunas and Camfrog cafes there. The latter are simply internet cafes that offer private booths so you can enjoy some alone time with your online date. Try strolling along the streets and you’re sure to stumble upon one. Our tip: shake things up with a spin on www.chatroulette.com.

Viagra

We’re absolutely crushed that the US Food & Drug Administration has just rejected female Viagra, saying the risks outweigh the benefits. Or is it that the FDA is full of Mormons who can’t take the idea of endless female orgasms? Meanwhile, men with erectile dysfunction can still pop the old purple pill (from B450) or the cheaper generic, Kamagra, which comes in gel form (B70). Get them at the pharmacies in and around Soi Patpong or Soi Thaniya. BTS Sala Daeng.

Wax

It’s no longer taboo to have a professional tend to your bush. Head to Reveal Wax Salon (Thonglor Soi 13, 02-712-8209. Open Tue-Sun 10:30am-8:30pm. www.revealwaxsalon.com) for a wax job that can cover (or uncover, rather) any and all of your intimate parts. Summer is upon us, so we highly recommend the “all off” Brazilian/Boyzilian (from B1,200) for a super smooth touch.

X-Rated

Like short time motels, old-school cinemas are often the first thing to go when the developers move in. There are actually two types of dodgy movie theaters in Bangkok. Type A offers legit double-bills for B70 but no one is watching the movies. They’re gay cruising zones or just dark places for couples who can’t afford a motel. Type B is your straight forward porn movie theaters, like Paholyothin Theater (opposite Big C Saphan Kwai. BTS Saphan Kwai), where an all-day screening of up to five movies will set you back B50.

Y-Fronts

Grandpa undies are the new sexy. Guys, get a colorful pair (B690-790) from Jockey. Girls, you can do men’s Y-fronts, too! Try 3/F, Central Chitlom, 02-793-7777.

Zeta Bar

It’s a lesbian bar on RCA (Block C, Rama 9 Rd., 02-203-0994) and guys can’t get in, period. And if you don’t think a lesbian bar is a particularly kinky way to end this round-up, you should start reading effingdykes.blogspot.com now. 

Further reading: bk asks: “What is the sexiest thing about Bangkok?”

Plus best hotel deals for a dirty weekend.